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was posted in myspace and I felt that it embodied a lot of the emotions
that my kids have expressed about foster care. I don't know who wrote
this, but I am sitting here with tears running down my face! I have
heard all of these things echoed in my own children's assessment of
I only pray that someday when we are all allowed to be together that we
will have the strength and wisdom to listen to each others hurts and
honor them then let them go so that we can start anew, and that is my
prayer for every child stuck in foster care that if they desire that the
will be reunited with their birth families and that those families will
heal without state intervention!
Dear Big People,
judges, Caseworkers, foster parents, adoptive
Parents, Guardian Ad Litems, and the public,
I want to talk to
you about what it feels like to live in the foster
Care system when you are a little kid,
even though I am not sure you Are really interested.
How it feels to have
many parents and homes in
A very short period of time.
How the losses add
up for these children
And the spirit of these child die a little with each new home, each
New set parents, and each "disruption" of our lives.
While moving from
one place to the next we lose more of who we were
And change a little more towards who we will become.
In the process
Of being moved from one "home" to the next, we lose our brothers and
Sisters, our worldly belongings one piece at a time.
Forgetting what our birth mothers and fathers smell like with each
Turn of the washing machine and new laundry soap used in the newest
"home" that will never last.
See, kids like me
are not allowed to have our families and we will
Never belong to the new families.
We begin to believe
Something wrong with us.
We will never get a
family of our own because
Our birth families didn't want us so how could anyone else's family
When we do get the
chance to be part of that family it's
Usually too late for us to believe we are lovable and that we will be
Allowed to stay because of all the things we have been told or that we
Have over heard the Big People in our new lives say.
Some have said my
real mom didn't protect me from bad things that my
Only daddy did to me.
Others tell me I
need to tell them everything
That was done to me so they can help my mommy know how to protect me
When I go home.
Some say my mommy
didn't want me, while others say my
Mommy gave me away so she could be with a man.
I guess I am not
supposed to miss my mommy or my brother that got to
Stay home with my mommy.
It would make your
jobs easier if I didn't
Miss my mommy and my brother because you wouldn't have to tell me
Again and again I won't be able to see them again for a while if I
Don't stop crying and being upset after I do finally get to see them.
Why can't you Big
People understand that I am ticked off, lonely, and
Worried all the time now because I know my mommy wasn't perfect, but
At least in our home I knew what would happen today and tomorrow, but
Now I never know what you big people are going to do next? The
Yearning for my family, our traditions, our beliefs, and our
Attachments will never go away, even though in time I will get good at
Hiding these yearnings from you and even myself.
WHAT WERE YOU
THINKING WHEN YOU HAD ALL THOSE BIG
MEN IN UNIFORMS AND ALL YOUR CASEWORKERS THERE
TO GRAB ME FROM MY LIFE AFTER YOU PUT MY 9 YR OLD BROTHER
IN JAIL BECAUSE MY MOM WOULDN'T LET YOU HAVE HIM AND
SCARING ME HALF TO DEATH TAKING ME FROM EVERYONE
AND EVERYTHING I KNEW?
You Big People
promised me I could stay with my family and you lied.
You promised me I
could go home if I told you everything you wanted to
know, but then you didn't, again you lied.
You said the judge
make everything safe for me, but he didn't because the hearings were
You said I would
stay in that second foster home
until I could go home, but again you lied.
I then was sent to
father's home, then a foster home because still you said it wasn't
safe for me to go home.
Then another of my
birth father's family
members, then another foster home for Thanks Giving because you had
changed your mind about me being with certain family members, only to
go back to where I was and than onto another foster home.
How am I to
believe you will ever tell me the truth?
You big people think
I should remain sweet, kind, and adorable, all
the while ready to connect to yet another family that will throw me
COULD YOU REMAIN
THAT WAY? Did you think I would continue to
take it all lying down? After a while, I have lost too many people
that I did care about, that I was attached to, and that I might have
been able to care about and attach to that, I have stopped trying.
I have had too many
new mommies and daddies that will never be my
parents because they never will hold me tightly in their hearts
because I'm not really theirs and never can be because I am my birth
None of you will
ever get why my heart, mind, and behaviors have
changed by what you have done to me and allowed to be done to me.
why would I now ever allow you to imagine for even a minute that I
trust you, need you, or even like you or myself? You don't understand
why I am fighting you for control because you have never felt as
powerless as I do.
You don't understand
why I have stopped talking to
you because you have never had everyone ignore you.
understand why I have become angry and hostile because you have never
lost every one and everything that made your world your world.
understand why I why I distrust everything and every one,
including myself, because you have never had to try to be a hundred
different people before you are a teenager.
always be safer and warmer than mine because you have never let
yourself see what you have done to me and all the other kids that have
fallen into the world of foster care.
You never noticed
how your actions affected me, but I NOTICED AND IT
MATTERS A LOT TO ME!!! I am not stupid, nor am I blind; I do pay
attention because it all matters to me.
I noticed when you
from my parents, no one came to take and keep their place, and
something started to happen to me.
A little bit of my
spirit started to die.
I started doing
things to myself to cause physical pain to take away
some of the emotional pain.
I know it doesn't
make sense to join with
all the others that have hurt me, but I do it any ways.
Its what I
have been taught that I deserve because I had to have done something
bad for me to be so unlovable.
I don't care anymore
who I am safe with
because I never feel safe.
Does it really
matter any more? I start
making sure that anyone trying to get close to me will regret even
trying because this way they can never hurt me.
I start trying to
everyone feel as helpless and small as I have felt for so long.
Are you wondering
yet what I do want, what I do need, or what I would
do if I had all the power?
The answers are
1. I would make sure
I never forgot that the
child I am "protecting" is a human and he or she is watching
everything I do.
I will remember that
everything I do matters
immensely to that child's life and well-being.
2. I will never
that the child will always yearn for his or her birth family.
make sure there are pictures and frequent contact between the child
and their birth family when ever possible so they can keep some kind
of a connection with who and where they came from.
3. I would fight to
have all decisions I make for the child held in place and only make
changes when there is no other option.
I have the power to
decisions, the child does not, therefore it is important for me to
make the best decisions and stick to them.
4. I would be honest
the child's family, the child, and any foster parents the child may
need to be placed with.
I will make sure
that I provide support
services for each party involved in the child's life to answer
questions and give encouragement and needed support to better
understand the child's needs.
You can treat me as
if I am invisible and you may even get away with
it for long enough for me to be placed with another agency or for you
to get another job.
Yet, in your heart
of hearts, you will always know
that I was watching everything you did or did not do for me, my
feelings about what was happening to me, that I needed someone to act
as if it mattered hugely to them too, and what I became because of
your actions or inactions.
So, do you have any
better understanding of how all of us kids that
have fallen into the world of foster care? I know you have a hard job
caring and making decisions for all of us.
I know you get
realize that we are all watching you and affected by all that you do.
I can also tell you
that you won't be sorry if you take me seriously
because you see, someday we will be BIG PEOPLE.
Now, give THAT a
thought before making your decisions about my life.
~~The invisible foster
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To be Added:
If you are quick to take
Then you'll be under the control
Of those who you find offensive.
If you are easily angered,
Then your actions will be dictated
By those who anger you.
If you are obsessed by what other people think,
Then you will be imprisoned
By their thoughts.
If you yearn for easy answers and quick
You'll fall prey to people
Who offer you nothing but promises.
If you find the truth too difficult to bear,
You'll be enslaved to those
Who tell you what you want to hear.
But when you have the courage
To think for yourself,
The strength to accept what is,
The commitment and discipline
To make a difference,
Then you are free.
You are truly free
To live with purpose,
Joy and fulfillment.
Let your life be defined,
Not by reactions to
What others do, say, or think
But rather by your own unique vision.
Raise your eyes above the pettiness and
Follow the path of the greatness that is within
~ Author Unknown ~
Thu Jul 16, 2009 7:55 am (PDT)
There is a Native American saying
judge another until you have walked a mile
in that person´s
moccasins.". While the truth of the matter
it may give you incite
or general understanding of what that person
is dealing with, it does
not however give you a full complete
understanding. There is one
major flaw that most people over look. What
if you was stuck in that
persons shoes afterwards and could not
simply step out back into your
life. The best explanation I can think of
comes from a movie many
may remember named "Soul Man". Where a white
man fakes being
African American to get a African American
College Scholarship. He
quickly sees what the African American
community goes through with
racism. When he is busted for doing such the
board of education comes
down on him. The character played by James
Earl Jones lectures him,
then states something to the fact of "you
have seen many things and
learned a great deal and fully understand
what it is like to be an
African American". To which the young man
replies "No Sir, I have
not" and Why not was the response. The
answer is very profound
indeed, "Because at any time I could have
chose not to be black".
is this of any consequence? Simple, many of
the people we have had to
deal with through our ordeals as natural
parents will say things
like,"I understand what your going through"
or "I can empathize
with your situation". Now how can a case
worker or even a family
member that has never been through the same
thing truly comprehend
everything in its entirety? They cant, and
they never will. As well
they will never be able to look at your side
their opinions. They may never have been in
a tight spot that brought
you to the point of needing help in the way
you were. They will
almost never ask "how did this all happen?".
CPS, Judges, and
other "officials" don't want to ask these
questions or know the
answers to them. They would have to
empathize for real (maybe).
cases when you go to a therapist, they do
and say the same things as
the others do and rarely help you through
any problems you may have.
They feel the need to dig deep and construct
a deeper reasoning for
things going on. In other cases sometimes
the therapist is genuine
in their want to understand your story and
help you with problems
extending from that. Cases like, G.A.D.
(General Anxiety Disorder)
and Depression while sometimes relevant to
why the case is there most
often these problems do not "crop up" until
after everything is
in motion. PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder) is another example
of these, where the person(s) involved are
subjected to terrible
happenings because of those that are
supposed to be helping. To
partially understand where a person is at in
life and how they feel
you must be able to completely think and
imagine what you went
through and at times it is a conflict to
what they are doing or that
it is to hard for a person to fathom. After
all who would want to
think of their children ripped away from
them only to watch them come
for visits with bruises, drugged up
expressions, and look as tho they
are starving? How many people would
comprehend laying awake at night
crying yourself to sleep worried that more
is not happening with
their child, knowing that worse has happened
to children in these
situations? Needless to say it would
undermine everything they have
planned for you and your children.
a ever increasing proportion of cases the
workers do not even have
children of their own or are old enough to
understand what it takes
or what it means to be a parent. Your
children's future in the hands
of a 22-24 year old being a child themselves
dictating what will
happen to your children. In those situations
they are idealistic and
often feel as tho they need to change the
world and shape it to their
view. Scary is it not?